Episode 1 There’s been a hearth.
“Not within the constructing?!” I gasp on the Boss’ smoke-tanned face.
“Simply exterior the constructing,” he says.
“I assumed you stated you’d been IN a hearth,” the PFY says.
“Sure, a hearth – IN MY CAR.”
“Ah, I see. Properly, the electrics in ‘traditional’ automobiles are notoriously unreliable.”
“And you do not assume it is suspicious that it caught fireplace seconds after I left the constructing?” he asks.
“Seconds after coming into oxygen-rich air and accelerating to a pace which might each drive your getting older alternator sooner and fan any emergent flames?” the PFY asks.
“I suppose once you put it like that…” the Boss admits grudgingly. “However I’ve misplaced every thing.”
“Oh, have been your spouse and children within the Austin?”
“So simply your own home, life’s financial savings, that timeshare in France and your superannuation scheme?”
“No all my work issues! My briefcase, laptop computer, pockets and cellphone. All my work notes.”
“Not your work notes!” the PFY gasps. “And simply once you have been on the verge of fixing the Hodge Conjecture!”
“And I hope you took copies of your plans for a workable low-cost fusion reactor!” I gasp.
“What are you on about?”
“Nothing. So why are you right here and never along with your car?”
“The automobile’s being towed by a restoration agency. I’ve a buddy who can restore it to a usable state.”
“Oh, you already know somebody with a compactor?” the PFY says.
“He did the unique restoration,” the Boss says, ignoring the PFY.
“He is an Austin Cambridge specialist and I am positive he’ll get it again into working situation.”
I make a psychological observe to get one other daylight swap and a size of primer twine lengthy sufficient to wrap round a gas line.
“So what brings you right here?”
“I want a brand new entry card. For the constructing. I assumed I’ll as effectively get one now.”
“Good level,” the PFY says. “OK, so let’s simply see…”
>tappity< >faucet< >clicky< >click on< >faucet< “…there you’re. And >click on< REISSUE.
Proper, so I am going to simply must see two types of ID.”
“It is asking for 2 types of ID. We did not used to wish that, however then a few the extra entitled board members began getting frightened about folks floating over right here on driftwood with the categorical objective of placing their medical diploma to good work as one in all our cleaners…”
“What are you on about?”
“The board. Just about each second board assembly they’ve brainstormed one other query designed to maintain the corporate protected from the specter of the day – migrants, cash laundering, terrorism – you title it, there is a query within the on-boarding course of to take care of it.”
“However I am already on-boarded.”
“Certainly you’re – however what higher strategy to filter out the unhealthy eggs than when they need their safety entry card renewed.”
“However I haven’t got any ID. It was burnt.”
“We actually solely have your phrase for that,” the PFY says.
“IT’LL BE ON THE CAMERAS!” the Boss says triumphantly.
And so it’s. The second the smoke begins coming into the automobile the Boss’ driving takes on a blind-man-in-a-trolley-dash vibe with him careering off into quite a few autos earlier than rolling from the car like a sedated stuntman.
“It would not present your ID being burned.”
“IT’S IN THE CAR!” the Boss snaps.
“So that you say.”
BOFH: Swap off the constructing? Nice concept, Boss
“Look, how about we waive the ID…” I say.
“YES!” the Boss chips in.
“…If he can discover two folks to verify he’s who he says he’s.”
“You two can do it.”
“I dunno. I feel we want neutral folks. There is no oversight if we’re confirming your id AND verifying the credentials of ourselves. It might be a battle of curiosity.”
The Boss stalks off and ultimately rounds up a few the employees.
“Wonderful!” the PFY says. “Now I want to verify your checking account title and quantity.”
“Why do you want my checking account quantity?” the Boss asks.
“That cash laundering factor,” the PFY says.
“I do not know my checking account quantity.”
“Are you aware any verifiable banking info?” the PFY sighs.
“I do know my bank card quantity.”
“Let’s have it then,” the PFY says, clicking on a field.
The Boss offers the data, which is able to little doubt be used sooner or later by his insurance coverage firm to confirm who’d bought the primer twine and timer.
“COVID cross?” the PFY continues.
“It acquired burnt.”
“Do you’ve a web-based copy?”
“The laptop computer acquired burnt.”
“One other digital copy?”
“My cellphone acquired burnt.”
“Are you able to discuss HR into waiving that or trying up your particulars?”
…quarter of an hour later…
“Okay, and might you verify your date of start?” …
“Mom’s maiden title?” …
“Favorite major faculty trainer?”
“Look, why do you want all this info?” the Boss snaps. “I have been right here for over an hour and I must get dwelling!”
“We’ve to ascertain some verification questions for subsequent time – so we do not have to undergo this course of once more.”
“Oh, Jones. Mrs Jones.”
“Proper, so I feel we’re accomplished. All we want now is a photograph…”
…two minutes later…
“…and I am going to simply add that…”
>tappy< >click on<
“…and print the cardboard…”
>whirr< >click on< >ptunk<
“The picture’s all distorted!” the Boss says. “I look deranged.”
“Yeah, the system’s designed for a 50mm lens however my cellphone digicam’s acquired a wider angle, so it tries to compensate by emphasising the foreground.”
“I can not have that.”
“Righto then, I suppose we are able to strive once more. >clicky<
I am going to simply must see two types of ID…”